XIX

There is some new show on TV, quite similar to "Idol", but, to be honest, it is more spectacular because the participants are already chosen. Among these 15 wizz-kids there is my friend from high school. She's really talented and it's no surprise that she managed to get to this programme.
In the first episod, they showed some short films about each of the participants and my jaw dropped when I saw a fragment with the girl I know - she and her friends didn't talk about her as a star and the only person who should win the competition. They didn't make her somebody else. In fact, they showed her as one of the members of a church. She said one very important thing which truly hit me. She said she cannot imagine her life without a church, she finds herself there.
I always knew she's a believer. We used to go on English Camps together some time ago. She's a wonderful woman and I can see as she grows up, she becomes more and more aware of the task she was given. That was so cool watching her speaking about her relations in faith. That was a short fragment but, no doubt, different than others. She gave kind of testimony, she admitted that she loves God before thousands of people who wre sitting in front of tv screens. I lack much of this courage and I pray I will be given it and that I will persist in it. We'll see how it goes on, she got to the next stage:)

Today I read encouragement I receive daily from a pastor of baptist church in Poznan. They compared Christian to drug addicts explaining that every Christian looks for his strength, for something that may drive him. If each of them - a Christian and a drug addict lack their power, they start to search for it anywhere they can get to. They would do anything to get a dose of narcotic, though for each of them it is a different thing. And yes, that's true, I also try to find my strength in different places, I sometimes spend hours reading articles and encouragements on the Internet but I can also see that's not enough because then I don't look for God in my heart, I just get some knowledge which, of course, can be helpful, but I'm not filled with the Holy Spirit after such an action. Again, I have to confess that there's nothing better that can give you a feeling of being fulfilled than a prayer, an honest prayer. When I search the Web, I'm at work, when I pray, I'm at home and the home is inside me. I'm safe because I put my faith in Jesus and I can feel Him in my heart, not in the articles.

XVIII

For a few days I've been coming across very touching passages in the Bible. God knows exactly what I need, He doesn't let me stay confused in my actions. He pulls the rope again, He wants me to come closer, to renew the relation with Him. And I can feel it. Reading, especially, 1 Timothy I realise how far I am still from Him. At the same time some verses encourage me not only to become aware of my sins (because some of them might become a routine, I think) but to look for solutions to lead better life again.

Today I think I realised how weak was my faith at the very beginning. Since my first real meeting with God I had wonderful time, everything was going my way. It was so easy to praise the Lord in that situation. I felt special, I felt unique among non-believers and I felt I could handle any difficulty. But I didn't encounter any. It's so simple to be close to God when he fulfills your wishes almost every time you ask Him to, isn't it?
Everyone has his ups and downs but one time I felt like I dropped into a huge hole. And well, if there isn't any device that could haul you up... you can easily guess what happened. I was probably a bit shocked that I suddenly have to get through some hard times. Wasn't it Jesus who used to help me? Oh yes, now is the time for the question: did I ask Him for help or did I want Him to do many things instead of me? What I mean is that maybe I waited for His step too many times and in effect I became a child who waits for having everything done for her. I demanded many things for Him but not from myself. Now, in hard times, He encourages me to re-consider my behaviour and my way to solving problems. He gives me clear clues and I want to learn how to use them. Co-operation. I can't stay with my arms folded, I was given them to make some moves.

I pray that God could help me organise my time, not to avoid any situation in which I could give a bit of Him to any other person. I'm reaching peace in my heart. I pray not to be prone to temptations coming from outside world. Because I know I am.

XVII

Although I don't really comprehend Isajah yet, maybe partly because of lack of my history knowlegde, today morning I found quite an interesting verse, chapter 22. It tells about people were more prone to taking advantage from current entertainment than from following God's will, especially when it seemed to be uncomfortable and fruitless. Having heard God's words they were still concentrated on their own comfort.

And yes, I admit, I myself try to find and follow situations which provide me with fun and good time. It is quite common to think that in the face of death we should take the opportunity and profit from every minute of our life. And yes, I can't deny it. But the question remains - what is 'to profit'? What does it have to do with my way to Heaven? Do I use my life in a proper way? Not always. Most of the time I'm like those people from Isajah, I try not to lose any minute of my life and i.e. not to regret things I didn't try. But the truth which I confess in my heart is that the only thing I should regret is that being given two options I usually choose the one which gives some benefit here and now. Because the fruit of is more visible in this particular moment. But at the same time I don't work for my prize in Heaven.

Dear God, I pray that you still teach me making the right decisions and focus more on Your will than on my fancy. Please, let me feel your presence especially this weekend when I'm going to meet many people and please, let me be a testimony to them.

XVI

Today I read a passage from 1 Thessalonians which tells about respect towards our own body. It reminded me of a few situations which took place in distant past but actually kind of the same stories are still repeated by the same people I meet from time to time.

To be clear, the fragment tells about avoiding sexual immorality and lust for taking advantage from finding oneself in the crowd where actually nobody cares about you. I've been to many parties and I'm still attending a few this month. I'm not going to resign from this kind of entertainment even though I know it's a cave of behaviour I do not accept. The case is I try to hold my temper, usually successfully. As I say - usually. I also fail. But I always have on my mind one thought - it's not proper for you and you know it. I'm ashamed the same moment I make a mistake. I know that in notion of others I don't do anything wrong, many more people still behave in more inappropriate way, they don't even notice my moment of weakness. But it is me who notices it. Someone would say - oh, hormones, oh, young age, everything's in it's right place. Not for me. Because I know I am to protect my body, because it is valuable and anyone who looks at me should get the same idea like I get towards him. In three days there's going to be a great party again. And I want to have a great fun but at the same time I want to abstain from undesirable acting - mine and others'. I just love the music, it helps me relax and calm down, I want to benefit just from it and from some probable fruitful conversations.

Second idea - having found myself in such a place and watching many people behaving like I wouldn't like them to, I know it is my christian duty to condemn such behaviour. I'm in two minds about it. It would be hard to rebuke anyone. I can criticise and maybe even a bit of pity will be ok but, for the time being, I can't imagine myself talking to anyone about respecting his own body right there. On the other hand... that would a great new experience.

As for today, I just pray that I will be able to stand on my dignity and that I will not have to be ashamed of my acting before myself and before God. That would be so unfair and silly of me to cheat myself while I'm observed by a person with whose opinion I'm most concerned about. And it's not this boy or the another - it is Jesus who taught me such beautiful things which I consider the most precious.

XV

So yesterday I went to my fatherchurch, for the first time since a long long time. Besides a few details which have been changed in the building itself, I didn't notice anything special, maybe just a few new faces.

Actually I don't like masses for it's unchangeable pattern. The only part of it I'm truly interested in are the readings and teaching. We read a passage from Jeremiah telling about times when the prophet was ridiculed and mocked because of his faith. But this frament taught me that it is just one of the aims on my spiritual way - to stand still even if I stumble, to carry my cross and to know the consequences of being a child of God. Not always happy consequences. What would I call my own cross? Probably all things which I struggle with, which make my day not exactly what I would like them to look like. I could enumerate them here and it would probably take more than an hour. Anyway, I want to carry this cross, yes, I'm aware of what I'm saying, I want to do it because I feel this relationship with Jesus and I confess He is my friend, so how could I leave my friend and let Him carry the cross alone? Because of this cross I am saved, no other way. So I want to accomplish my daily tasks even if they are not easy, I want to fight my weaknesses and I want to prove myself and to prove the world that with Jesus help this cross is lighter, I can handle it.

If you really put your faith in God there's nothing that can pull you down, because you will always find your strength in Him. Do not bother about earthly matters but trust Him, because He cares for you and will not let you be torn apart from Him. He cares about you coming to His kingdom starting your way there here on Earth. That is soooo building up!

XIV

Oh yes, it's been definitely a long time since I last dropped in here. I'm not going to follow with "but...". It's useless. I'm just going to confess that it's been a strange time for me, especially for my spiritual life. I don't want to say that it was somebody else's fault that I occured on a different path, it was me who is to blame for not being assertive enough to refuse to join a certain environment.
During that time I could still see that my acting wasn't like what I promised it to be. I was aware of most of mistakes I've been making. Until today when I realised once again that it's not quite what I expect from myself. I know what promises I had made to myself and to God.

There's only one thing I can be proud of, there's just one promise I kept. I never turned my back away from Jesus, never denied Him, never blamed Him for anything, but actually cried for His help all the time. I didn't know how to start again, I was afraid in the same way as when I lose contact with some friend. The longer we don't keep in touch, the harder it becomes to meet again. And I could see that I lost my patience many times while I'm sure I could control my temper if I had felt this intimacy with Jesus, if I had trusted Him like I used to. But I didn't remember. I was subconsciously crying for Him, but even more painful was the fact that He was also crying for me! I noticed many signs from Him on my way away from Him but they were just temporary impulses. He allowed me to participate in two christian English Camps this year! And I didn't appreciate it enough!

I lost many beloved friends because of losing contact with God. At the same time I met many new faces who I'm grateful for but I became more and more ashamed of my acting and I didn't know how to come back. Reasons for my mistakes? My laziness, outer distractions, fascination with new environment which I could actually join without undergoing any harmful changes.

Now I want a change for better again. I want to be able to experience the happiness and joy in my heart and all things I wrote just here. I want to do my devotions every day and follow kind of discipline. I don't want to put off with fair words people who are really trying to help me, but I want to serve them and serve God because He's the one who can save me. I feel kind of greenhorn now, but I know I can grow in my faith again.

XIII

If you believe in God, you do not doubt in His words included in the Holy Bible. You do not question the task of turning the other cheek. Throw away the revenge because it only leads to self-destroying and provides no success. I pray for two of my friends who were caught in the trap of revenge. I can see they just want to show their strengh. “For everyone who exalts himself will be humbled, and he who humbles himself will be exalted." (Luke 14:11) I pray they will be filled with the gentleness as a fruit of the Holy Spirit.

Again I fear.

The very last place in chosen, without any objections, by those, who are convinced by God's love in their life and they know that even there the loving eye of Jesus will be on them.

There's no excuse for your character. If you say you believe in God, you obey him and you go the path he wants you to go. You can't turn left or right from the path on purpose just to prove somebody else you are better. You're so much more beautiful with the faith in your heart! And so much stronger!
Be humble, be humble, be humble... You've got nothing left to lose.

I pray for courage and patience. Not only for me, but for my family. I can feel a very important decision coming to be made and it may be painful for my family. I start to seek for my church, seek for people who can help me develop my spiritual life. I used to notice that the strengh is born among people who feel the need to be one body – the body of Jesus Christ. I tried to look for it at my “fatherchurch” and I couldn't. I couldn't or I didn't want to. Visiting the baptist church a few times, I'm encouraged to get to know it better. I think the change may occur soon. But still, it's hard to say if I act absolutely fair. It'a hard to link the will of belonging to the new community and my parent's will of me belonging to the church I was baptized in. The question of being baptized also comes to my mind quite often, but let's face it, there's no need to hurry if I want my changes to be clear and understandable for everyone.