XIV

Oh yes, it's been definitely a long time since I last dropped in here. I'm not going to follow with "but...". It's useless. I'm just going to confess that it's been a strange time for me, especially for my spiritual life. I don't want to say that it was somebody else's fault that I occured on a different path, it was me who is to blame for not being assertive enough to refuse to join a certain environment.
During that time I could still see that my acting wasn't like what I promised it to be. I was aware of most of mistakes I've been making. Until today when I realised once again that it's not quite what I expect from myself. I know what promises I had made to myself and to God.

There's only one thing I can be proud of, there's just one promise I kept. I never turned my back away from Jesus, never denied Him, never blamed Him for anything, but actually cried for His help all the time. I didn't know how to start again, I was afraid in the same way as when I lose contact with some friend. The longer we don't keep in touch, the harder it becomes to meet again. And I could see that I lost my patience many times while I'm sure I could control my temper if I had felt this intimacy with Jesus, if I had trusted Him like I used to. But I didn't remember. I was subconsciously crying for Him, but even more painful was the fact that He was also crying for me! I noticed many signs from Him on my way away from Him but they were just temporary impulses. He allowed me to participate in two christian English Camps this year! And I didn't appreciate it enough!

I lost many beloved friends because of losing contact with God. At the same time I met many new faces who I'm grateful for but I became more and more ashamed of my acting and I didn't know how to come back. Reasons for my mistakes? My laziness, outer distractions, fascination with new environment which I could actually join without undergoing any harmful changes.

Now I want a change for better again. I want to be able to experience the happiness and joy in my heart and all things I wrote just here. I want to do my devotions every day and follow kind of discipline. I don't want to put off with fair words people who are really trying to help me, but I want to serve them and serve God because He's the one who can save me. I feel kind of greenhorn now, but I know I can grow in my faith again.