XVII

Although I don't really comprehend Isajah yet, maybe partly because of lack of my history knowlegde, today morning I found quite an interesting verse, chapter 22. It tells about people were more prone to taking advantage from current entertainment than from following God's will, especially when it seemed to be uncomfortable and fruitless. Having heard God's words they were still concentrated on their own comfort.

And yes, I admit, I myself try to find and follow situations which provide me with fun and good time. It is quite common to think that in the face of death we should take the opportunity and profit from every minute of our life. And yes, I can't deny it. But the question remains - what is 'to profit'? What does it have to do with my way to Heaven? Do I use my life in a proper way? Not always. Most of the time I'm like those people from Isajah, I try not to lose any minute of my life and i.e. not to regret things I didn't try. But the truth which I confess in my heart is that the only thing I should regret is that being given two options I usually choose the one which gives some benefit here and now. Because the fruit of is more visible in this particular moment. But at the same time I don't work for my prize in Heaven.

Dear God, I pray that you still teach me making the right decisions and focus more on Your will than on my fancy. Please, let me feel your presence especially this weekend when I'm going to meet many people and please, let me be a testimony to them.

XVI

Today I read a passage from 1 Thessalonians which tells about respect towards our own body. It reminded me of a few situations which took place in distant past but actually kind of the same stories are still repeated by the same people I meet from time to time.

To be clear, the fragment tells about avoiding sexual immorality and lust for taking advantage from finding oneself in the crowd where actually nobody cares about you. I've been to many parties and I'm still attending a few this month. I'm not going to resign from this kind of entertainment even though I know it's a cave of behaviour I do not accept. The case is I try to hold my temper, usually successfully. As I say - usually. I also fail. But I always have on my mind one thought - it's not proper for you and you know it. I'm ashamed the same moment I make a mistake. I know that in notion of others I don't do anything wrong, many more people still behave in more inappropriate way, they don't even notice my moment of weakness. But it is me who notices it. Someone would say - oh, hormones, oh, young age, everything's in it's right place. Not for me. Because I know I am to protect my body, because it is valuable and anyone who looks at me should get the same idea like I get towards him. In three days there's going to be a great party again. And I want to have a great fun but at the same time I want to abstain from undesirable acting - mine and others'. I just love the music, it helps me relax and calm down, I want to benefit just from it and from some probable fruitful conversations.

Second idea - having found myself in such a place and watching many people behaving like I wouldn't like them to, I know it is my christian duty to condemn such behaviour. I'm in two minds about it. It would be hard to rebuke anyone. I can criticise and maybe even a bit of pity will be ok but, for the time being, I can't imagine myself talking to anyone about respecting his own body right there. On the other hand... that would a great new experience.

As for today, I just pray that I will be able to stand on my dignity and that I will not have to be ashamed of my acting before myself and before God. That would be so unfair and silly of me to cheat myself while I'm observed by a person with whose opinion I'm most concerned about. And it's not this boy or the another - it is Jesus who taught me such beautiful things which I consider the most precious.

XV

So yesterday I went to my fatherchurch, for the first time since a long long time. Besides a few details which have been changed in the building itself, I didn't notice anything special, maybe just a few new faces.

Actually I don't like masses for it's unchangeable pattern. The only part of it I'm truly interested in are the readings and teaching. We read a passage from Jeremiah telling about times when the prophet was ridiculed and mocked because of his faith. But this frament taught me that it is just one of the aims on my spiritual way - to stand still even if I stumble, to carry my cross and to know the consequences of being a child of God. Not always happy consequences. What would I call my own cross? Probably all things which I struggle with, which make my day not exactly what I would like them to look like. I could enumerate them here and it would probably take more than an hour. Anyway, I want to carry this cross, yes, I'm aware of what I'm saying, I want to do it because I feel this relationship with Jesus and I confess He is my friend, so how could I leave my friend and let Him carry the cross alone? Because of this cross I am saved, no other way. So I want to accomplish my daily tasks even if they are not easy, I want to fight my weaknesses and I want to prove myself and to prove the world that with Jesus help this cross is lighter, I can handle it.

If you really put your faith in God there's nothing that can pull you down, because you will always find your strength in Him. Do not bother about earthly matters but trust Him, because He cares for you and will not let you be torn apart from Him. He cares about you coming to His kingdom starting your way there here on Earth. That is soooo building up!