XII

Seems like I found the right password to my account:) Great. I can... start again? But, hey, there was no stop! No stop in faith!

I have recently asked myself a question: Did I doubt any time in the past? Well, yes, I can remember such a moment. But now I just laugh when I think about it. That lasted for about 15 seconds and that thought caused a huge break in my mind. I felt a sudden emptiness inside. No, it was probabaly just an imagine of life without Jesus. Endless emptiness. Sometimes I come back to times when I didn't believe. And I thought that was a real happiness and carelessness. No boundaries. But well, am I now limited in being in love with Jesus? I have a choice of staying with Him or not. But I choose this better option:) And I'm ashamed when I try to solv my problmes on my own not asking Him for help. I can't solve them alone. I don't want to. But if I act like that I always feel, there's something missing, I know I need a hand from someone who does not give straight solutions but who forces me to thnki again and again , to calm down and finally to get through the hard times. My today's morning prayer was stronger than any time recently.

Some small miracles are filling those days. Today I met my sisters in Christ from this year camp. And again I can see how many things can change in three months' time. Good and bad things. And all are sacrified to the Lord. I decided to look for my place among the churches I got to know or I'm going to get to know. I'm a bit confused not belonging strictly to any of groups. I meet my brothers and sisteres in Christ, I talk with them, I share with them, I know we are all connected by the person of Jesus but I know I'm trying to fill in the gap which appears when I want to spend regularly some time with people who I would like to treat as my family. Well, again the same problems, how to tell my parents, grandparents... Why do I still have this fear if I know that what I'm doing is good, because it's for God's glory?

I think I got a sign today. When I was on the train coming back from the meeting in Nowy Tomysl, I've heard a phone call of a man sitting behind me. It looked like he was a member of some church, he was giving some consolation to the woman on the other side. He told her to pray, just pray, to get the answer from above. Because help comes from above as long as we believe. The next minute I've heard some song form the other side. Someone was listetning to his mp3. It was a polish song by TGD saying “before I say a single word, You already know the whole sentence”. I started to think if I was the one who linked those two things. The man's “speech” and the song.

I came back home. I got my computer on and I received a few messages on my GG account. I got a message from my friend who I really like, but sometimes I feel sorry for him watching him destroying himself. Maybe he doesn't think of it that way, but I do and that's what really counts for me. We had a great conversation for almost an hour and I was absolutely amazed that he started it immediately I appeared on GG. But unfortunately I know some of his habits. He used to have some problems with marihuana and I know that our best conversations took place when he was on high. So I asked if he had just smoked it. He denied. This time he had not. Did I believe him? Yes. Why? Because I hope he's not so stupid to lie me and to be aware of telling lies hurting himself at the same time. I believe in him. In his strengh. It was quite indirect to ask such a question, but I just wanted to know if I should take the conversation seriously. That was another small miracle for which I'm so thankful to God. I put trust in God that this guy will find his way.

This year camp was amazing. I've never felt something like that before. One evening I cried with all my strengh thanking God for new believers. God made this camp just awesome. It was even more touching now than when I started the relationship with Jesus myself. I kneeled and I cried. I couldn't stop. I couldn't find the words to thank God for what he has done. I was a witness of new believer's birth.